This blog was written by Terrence Burton, Behavior Coach, at River Rock Academy in Lancaster, PA. 

How often have we witnessed the interaction of the strong-willed child and their parent in the toy section of the department store? The two, seemingly, locked in a stalemate over the destiny of a chosen toy.  If permitted to watch the entire battle we could get a real glimpse of the parenting style of that parent. The true indicator will be in the persistence of the child. The child knows exactly what is required for the battle. They have several effective tools in their virtual tool belt. Step 1 – Make the plea.  If this action fails, then perhaps success could be realized with step 2 – A little whining. If the parent is attempting to be strong willed in their own right, perhaps it will be necessary to unleash “the tantrum.”  Plenty of parents have fallen victim to this weapon, more due to its direct assault on their dignity.  When embarrassment becomes too great, submission soon follows. 

For the child, this scenario often ends with the child getting their way. It is unfortunate because of the delay in the child’s realization of acceptable normative behavior. Eventually, the child will encounter the boundary that meets its match. However, there will potentially be years of learning to undo. 

What’s the Difference? 

Boundaries are often confused with the ever-flexing limitations we call rules. Rules are often viewed as boundaries that are permitted to have exceptions.  Many of us find ourselves stating that very thing; “rules are made to be broken” or “there is an exception for every rule.” Unlike boundaries, we allow rules to come coupled with exceptions. In these instances, rules more accurately dictate the desired behaviors we would like to see demonstrated by those that we have placed limits on. If a child’s inappropriate behavior exceeds the permissiveness of the boundary, without consequence, then the boundary was never a boundary at all; it was merely a suggestion. 

How to Create Effective Rules & Boundaries 

There are countless reasons for inconsistency in maintaining rules. Regardless, the result is often a child with a new lack of confidence in the structure the rules were originally designed to support. Consistent boundaries are realized when based on “values.” Value-based boundaries are much easier to enforce without the temptation of giving in to the inevitable challenge. These boundaries also serve as lessons in Pro-Social behavior. They will be held much more sacred than “only pencils can be used in class,” which is not a boundary. Your effectiveness in establishing boundaries relies heavily on how grounded you are to your value system. Values are what convict us to get back on course. If you allow yourself to build your boundaries based upon your value system you will find how you respond to your own personal convictions will dictate the effectiveness of the boundaries you set for others. Therefore, value-based boundaries encourage behaviors that drive us toward the realization of experiencing the elements of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: 

• Physiological needs 
• Safety needs 
• Belonging and love needs 
• Esteem needs 
• Self-Actualization needs